This is my first post, so perhaps I should be posting somewhere else. My wife of almost 30 years just moved out. After 9 months of weekly marriage counseling, she felt she needed more "space" to "discern" whether she wants to stay or go in the marriage. My question pertains to the actions/inactions of Father Fred (not is real name). My wife and Fred have become very close friends about since she first met him about 5-7 years ago when he was one of our parish priests for about a year. Just the two of them have met many, many times, including having a set weekly date at night at a restaurant/bar where they had their regular drinks and appetizers. My wife has helped Fred to an extraordinary extent with his personal clerical task (e.g., helping maintain an extensive mailing list, designing his elaborate Christmas card, designing a cover for his book, loaning him her computer for many months, fixing his computer problems, helping him move, hosting an annual party for him, going out - just the two - to celebrate her birthday, etc.) This has been going on for years now. Fred has joined us at Thanksgiving and slept at our house several times. He knows me and our grown kids, but not nearly as well as my wife. (Our three kids are recently all out of the home). My concern pertains to the fact that my wife had been confiding to Fred about the details of her unhappiness in our marriage for many months (maybe years), and yet it was not until 9 months ago, at my repeated questioning, that she told me she was "discerning whether to stay or go." Did Father Fred fulfill is priestly duties, or was he putting his friendship first? I am amazed that Fred apparently did not insist that my wife speak to me way, way back, before she become more and more distant. Also, it sounds like Father Fred did not do anything to give my wife reading material or CDs regarding what marriage means in the context of her Catholic faith. (BTW, my wife has an advance degree in religious studies from a Catholic university, and she works for the Catholic Church in religious education.) From what I can tell, Fred listened to my wife and urged her to stay married, but he did not take any further steps month after month, all the while knowing that my wife's affection and connection to me was weakening day-by-day. A very close friend of mine, a Lutheran minister, told me that he was taught in the seminary that a male religious (priest, minister, etc.) must not meet in private with a married parishoner more than a couple times - beyond that amount creates a situatoin where the risks of emotional connection, special treatment, the appearance of impropriety, etc. become much too high. Now that we are separating, family members and close friends have been telling me that they thought my wife and Fred's relationship was "way too close," particularly now when they find out that she denies having any warm, affectionate feelings for me. If anyone out there can refer me to an actual book that seminarians read (or something similar), which contains the actual teachings of the Catholic Church as to how a priest should conduct himself when dealing with a married parishoner, I'd greatly appreciate it. I plan to have a man-to-man talk with Fred at the right time. If my marriage cannot be saved, at least I will know I did my part to make Fred think long and hard so that he will put his duties as priest, rather than friend, at the forefront in the future. Thank you, and I apologize the for the length of this message.
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