Hello, everyone.
I don't know who I should talk to about this or what I should do about this.
For much of this year, I have struggled at mass and with prayer. If I allow myself to think or feel during prayer or mass, the experience is overwhelming. Just today at mass, I started weeping after the introit and the tears progressed to sobs and shaking, so I had to leave during the New Testament reading. I calmed myself down outside, after I caused a minor scene trying to control myself well enough to exit the church. I returned during the homily and was sort of okay until the liturgy of the Eucharist began. Then the weeping started. The only thing I could do was shut down and try not to think or feel anything at all in order to make it through. I received communion, while telling myself not to think about it so I wouldn't have an embarrassing emotional collapse in the middle of hundreds of people.
I still am unable to explain it to my husband. He guesses at the causes, because he is a loving man who knows me well, but I cannot talk about it, yet.
Prayer is much the same. If I say the prayers by rote memory, and do not meditate upon the words, I can get the prayers said. I cannot pray the Rosary or even a single Hail Mary though, without a complete sobfest.
I feel like Jesus wants to heal me, but the pain of exposing my wounds is too great for me to bear, so I keep my armor up and try my best to not think about Jesus at all.
I don't have a clue what to do. Someone please help me, if you can. Advice that has been offered to me before by caring friends doesn't work, because they always say "pray" and I can't! Even my pastor acknowledges this difficulty and has no advice for me yet, although he is unaware that is has gotten worse. So what in the world can I do now. I have several small children and a baby on the way, and I can't be breaking down in front of them all the time, so I put my armor on and keep my focus upon meeting their needs as much as I can. But I AM getting worse about this and my armor is cracking.
I don't know who I should talk to about this or what I should do about this.
For much of this year, I have struggled at mass and with prayer. If I allow myself to think or feel during prayer or mass, the experience is overwhelming. Just today at mass, I started weeping after the introit and the tears progressed to sobs and shaking, so I had to leave during the New Testament reading. I calmed myself down outside, after I caused a minor scene trying to control myself well enough to exit the church. I returned during the homily and was sort of okay until the liturgy of the Eucharist began. Then the weeping started. The only thing I could do was shut down and try not to think or feel anything at all in order to make it through. I received communion, while telling myself not to think about it so I wouldn't have an embarrassing emotional collapse in the middle of hundreds of people.
I still am unable to explain it to my husband. He guesses at the causes, because he is a loving man who knows me well, but I cannot talk about it, yet.
Prayer is much the same. If I say the prayers by rote memory, and do not meditate upon the words, I can get the prayers said. I cannot pray the Rosary or even a single Hail Mary though, without a complete sobfest.
I feel like Jesus wants to heal me, but the pain of exposing my wounds is too great for me to bear, so I keep my armor up and try my best to not think about Jesus at all.
I don't have a clue what to do. Someone please help me, if you can. Advice that has been offered to me before by caring friends doesn't work, because they always say "pray" and I can't! Even my pastor acknowledges this difficulty and has no advice for me yet, although he is unaware that is has gotten worse. So what in the world can I do now. I have several small children and a baby on the way, and I can't be breaking down in front of them all the time, so I put my armor on and keep my focus upon meeting their needs as much as I can. But I AM getting worse about this and my armor is cracking.